The term “self-care” has been thrown out there so much lately. Maybe it is the shift we are seeing in society with more women in the work force, or more feminine power out there or perhaps science has finally caught up to the fact that we simply need to care for ourselves (what a notion!) so we don’t go crazy on our significant others and/or children. Whatever the case may be for its growing popularity, it can cause a couple of things to happen, both of which I have witnessed:
1) The action of self-care actually becomes invisible. Have you ever heard of the “wet floor sign” concept? If you frequent your favorite restaurant, and every single time you are there the wet floor sign is out in the same exact spot, but there is not actually a wet floor, we start to get used to seeing it paired with no actual danger or threat (wet floor) and begin to dismiss it. Therefore, making it invisible. So when there actually is a wet floor, we ignore the sign, and fall flat on our faces. This is why most restaurants implement a strict rule about moving wet floor signs immediately after the floor has dried. The same thing happens to us when we see a popular idea, we get used to it and dismiss it as important.
2) This second one gets me and quite frankly breaks my heart. The second thing that can happen is the belief that self-care is selfish. It is selfish because we are no longer caring for others. It is selfish because it promotes our well being instead of the well being of others (how dare us).
Both of those notions beg us to take a step back and take a look at how the LACK of self care (mostly given up in the name of our children's highest well being) can negatively impact our children as a result.
Do you recall the attachment theory back in psychology class? I will not go completely into detail about this theory (that’s for a webinar another day), but to break it down, there are two different types of attachment that infants/children form with their caregivers; secure and insecure. Secure attachment is formed when a caregiver predictably meets the needs of their child. Over time, this shows the child regulation skills and gives them the message that, yes, although I am currently uncomfortable (wet diaper, hungry, cold) this pain is temporary and there are tools (caregiver) to help me feel better. As the child gets older, the tools go from caregiver, to tools they can access themselves (thumb sucking, feeding themselves, running, screaming, etc.) also known as self-regulation and later known as SELF-CARE.
There are three different types of insecure attachment and for the purpose of this blog, I am going to briefly describe one of those; anxious preoccupied. This is when the caregiver relies on the child to regulate them instead of vice versa. This can look like a caregiver over pouring their emotions into the child. Or it can look like a caregiver who has not taken care of themselves (neglected their own self-care) and as a result is cranky, resentful, angry, explosive and negative. The child then feels the immense responsibility to care for that person and bring them back down to a comfortable functioning level (also known as regulated).
Here is a little example of what that looks like, and the lifelong effects it can have on a person, reinforcing, precisely WHY self care is not only important for parents and caregivers, but actually is a necessity. (IMHO).
Growing up, my dad was the hardest working, most dependable person I knew. He worked 8 hours or more a day, 6 days a week. And he didn't necessarily love his job. I'm not even convinced he liked it. Since liking his job wasn't on the table, when he returned home every day, exhausted, he wasn't the friendliest person to run into. Often short tempered or quiet, keeping to himself, I quickly learned that dad just wasn't going to come home from work happy. EVER. But I knew that he COULD be happy. I would see the light in his eyes on his days off when we would go to the beach with my cousins, or when he got to kick back and "relax for once". After years and years of observing my dad's mood, I unintentionally made it my life's mission to attempt to draw that light out of him, even on the days when he was dragging himself through the door at the end of a long day. I would subconsciously prepare myself for his return, and when he walked down the side walk, I would read the look on his face, analyze his first words when he came through the door. I would determine if this was going to be a day that I could cheer him up, or if I needed to just walk on eggshells and mind my own business for the rest of the night.
After years and years of this (unbeknownst to my parents at all, as I am sure if they knew this was happening, it would have stopped, we could have talked about it) I began to feel responsible one way or another for the mood/tone/energy, positive or negative in the house. This is ridiculous right!!! A kid, responsible for all emotional happenings in a household, but it happens more often than we are aware of.
After taking on this emotional burden for so long, it only naturally transferred to every single stinking relationship I ever had with anyone from that point on. And only within the last years have I been able to realize that silence doesn't mean that someone is pissed off, and it most definitely doesn't mean that I was the cause of it. Only in the last 5 years have I learned that, it is not my freaking job to make ANYONE happy, except for myself. We are all responsible for our own happiness. No one else.
But in my dad's lack of being able to take care of himself, I, little age 5-30 year old me, decided somehow, I should step up and take that on.....
Think about how stressful/scary that is for a child! Not to mention how unfair it is to them to shoulder that type of weight. Now don't worry, we aren't shaking the blame stick at anyone. But we want to put the awareness out there. When you don't put yourself first, it effects your children (even if you stuff your crankiness and put on a show for them, they can read it, trust me). Secondly, the absence of self care in your life means that there is an absence of modeling the importance of self care for your children. We live in a society where our children are the most stressed out and anxious generation yet to walk this planet. It is our obligation to show them how to properly care for themselves so that they can, in turn, care for others in a healthy way.
You are important and deserving of self care, and if you aren't in a place where you believe that yet, then allow yourself to believe that your children are watching you while you go on a date with your husband without them. They are watching you when you take the time to go for a hike alone to rejuvenate yourself. They are watching when you go out once a month with your girl friends, or take time each day to be active. They are watching. They can see you place value on yourself as an individual through these actions. And when they get to a point in their life when they are stressed and need a break from life, from family, from children, they will remember exactly how you took care of yourself. They will remember that they too are valuable. That they are worth a few hours away here and there. And they will remember exactly what you did for yourself when they were young. Then they will do the exact same thing.
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