How many times a day, a week, an hour (oh gosh I hope not) do you do things purely from a place that feels guilty or has some form of guilt attached to it?
There are a few different ways that guilt can show up in our lives.
- Guilt for something that we did
- Guilt for something that we didn't do
- Guilt or assumed responsibility for having done something that has caused harm, unknowingly, to someone else either physical, mental or emotional.
In addition to these 3 forms, there are a few other ways that guilt can manifest in our lives, but these are the three I am going to focus on for the purpose of this article. Also, side note, this is just my own personal experience with guilt, and my own personal exercise that I use when guilt rears it's ugly head in my life. It's not evidence based, it's just a tool I would like to pass on to you in hopes that it can bring you some relief from the deep levels of guilt that we so often bring on ourselves.
Underlying Beliefs Associated With Guilt:
Guilt for something that we did often comes about because we have broken some code of ethics, either set on us by society or that we have set for ourselves. Either way, when this form of guilt shows up, it's usually because we have challenged our own integrity.
Guilt for something we didn't do arises when we believe that there is some sort of expectation or standard that did not get met by our lack of completing one task or another. This could happen if there is a certain task that needs to be accomplished that we don't feel is particularly aligned with our flow for the day, or ever, but we believe someone or something, expects that it be done anyway. Often, people who suffer from this form of guilt on the regular respond to it in the reverse, and actually end up doing whatever said task needs to be completed, because the fear of not doing it, not meeting the expectation, is too anxiety provoking for them not to. (Did all the hands in the crowd just raise for this one?? Can I get an AMEN?!)
Guilt for causing perceived harm to someone, this one is tricky. I believe this one is just as it reads, PERCEIVED. We take this guilt on so often without ever knowing if we actually have caused the hardship or harm to the other person in question, but we are just anticipating that it will occur , or assume that things are going to go a certain way for someone else because of the decisions we have made. And we do this, make this assumption or have this perception, WITHOUT EVER CHECKING IN WITH THE OTHER PERSON!!! Shocking right?? I am so "guilty" of doing this!!!! I hold on to this level of guilt and I have NO IDEA if I have actually screwed something up for someone or not. That is so messed up!!!! That is completely letting something out of my control (another person's response to an action, or lack of an action) infest my mental well-being, WITHOUT EVER CHECKING TO MAKE SURE IT'S VALID! Mind blown here.
Story From The Lab:
Here is a little situation that will be the example for how guilt is not so black and white. Not exactly cut and dry in three distinct categories. This example will illustrate how all three forms can come into play all at once.
Here I am, sitting at home in my living room, writing this blog. My kids snacks are sitting next to me (they are asleep), there is folded laundry all over the floor in nice piles waiting to be put away, there are toys... everywhere, a dishwasher that needs to be unloaded and reloaded and a kitchen that could use to be tidied. In short, my house is a wreck, yet here I sit, doing something I love, writing to you.
BOOM! There it is!! The GUILT!.
Guilt for something I did (I am taking the time to do something that I personally enjoy, but it doesn't necessarily benefit the good of my family or our environment in any direct way. I'm doing something purely for me (mom guilt).
Guilt for NOT doing something: well that's obvious, I am clearly NOT doing a lot of things at the moment HA! But the expectation is that I SHOULD BE. That I should do those things first before I do something that would benefit me solely. (Oh the SHOULD red flag, back pocketing that one for another day! :) )
And finally, the kicker for me always, guilt because I know, or think I know, that the last thing Louie wants to come home to tonight at 2am after work is a messy house and a sink full of dishes with no where to put them because the dishwasher is full of clean ones that need to be put away. I "know" that this will irritate him and in the end, tomorrow morning fresh out of bed, he will be cleaning the kitchen and doing all the dish work.... leaving me to feel guilty again.
So there it is. All three forms in one tiny little package. And more often than not, this package has me up until 11pm, tidying and cleaning and putting things away, against my own wishes and need to relax and do something I enjoy. Which, for those of you who don't know me personally yet, 11pm is WAY past my bedtime, and if I am up that late, I am not the most lovely person the next morning. So it's this whole perpetuation of a shit show, all brought about by feeling guilty on so many levels.
The question then becomes, how do we stop doing this to ourselves?
I have come up with three steps that seem to work for me in most situations. Again, laundry is pretty minor in the grand scheme of things but I really feel like these steps would be helpful in a larger guilt trip as well.
The Experiment:
1. Take the pause: When you begin to feel the guilt start to creep in, when the thoughts start rolling through your head like a freight train, PAUSE. Feel the guilt, and identify which type/types you are dealing with.
2. Assess: where is the guilt coming from? It's possible that you have triggered guilt from the past that has absolutely no relevance to the situation at hand, yet here you are again, feeling guilty. Maybe it is stemming from a belief that society holds, but that you personally could care less about. Make sure it's something that is important to YOU.
3. Check in: If another person and their well being is in question, check in with them and see if they are ACTUALLY suffering they way you perceive them to be. Chances are, it's not as bad as we think, because we are hardwired to think the worst will happen.
So let's apply these steps to the messy house scenario:
1. Pause: The thoughts start rolling in like "get up and clean that. Put the clothes away. It will only take 20 mins total" yada yada yada. So, I take notice of those little buggers creeping in on my me time.
2. Assess: who the hell says my house has to be perfectly clean and put together before I go to bed? And who says a clean house is more valuable to me than doing something I love?
Answer: I don't know, but that person is not my kind of person, so SEE YA! Guilt gone! If it's not a value that I actually care about, then I don't need to allow it to control my behavior or choices.
3. Check in with the person: So the next day, while as predicted Louie is cleaning the kitchen, I apologize for not having the house cleaned to (what I believe) is his standard. And low and behold, he says "It's fine. I don't really mind as much anymore."
SAY WHAT?!?! MIND BLOWN!!
You mean to tell me I have been losing SLEEP for years because I thought that it mattered to him.... and it DIDN'T!
Damn, sure wish I would have checked in about 6 years ago! HA!
******
So there it is. My take on guilt. I feel as though if these steps are taken, maybe we can reduce the amount of instances that we feel guilt in our lives. Not that we don't want to feel it, but if we are going to feel it, dang it let's make sure it's for valid reasons.
And I am willing to bet that if these steps don't eradicate a deeper kind of guilt, that even in the pause and assessment, maybe some good personal development or conversations can stem from this slowed down, less fear based place. A place where some evaluation can happen so that maybe you can reduce the chance of it occurring in this way again.
I hope this helped. I would love to hear your feed back, comments or counter opinions on the Facebook page, in a email, or in the chat box on the home page.
Thanks for being here. Much love sister
XO Amber
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